Reflecting

I am sitting here tonight, thinking about this pregnancy and the overall impact and changes it has brought to all of our lives. When you walk into our living room, there is now a swing and a bassinett. We have Mothering and Dr. Sears books lying around again. There is a sense of expectation, an excitement, a change while we wait for this baby to make his arrival.

I used to wonder what Jayme would be like as a teen girl. I have heard so many comments about how Moms "lose" thier teenage daughters to partying, rebellion, anger and boyfriends. My heart would always freeze up and I would get a wave of panic when I considered that happening to Jayme and I. I even clipped out a small article of a mom who sneaked into her 16 year olds room late one night, just to watch her sleep, because their relationship had become so troubled, they didn't speak. The daughter happened to wake up and tell her mom she loved her. That article I still keep,10 years after I first found it as a reminder that even if Jayme and I disagree and battle for a while through the teenage years, she still loves me, and I still, of course, will always love her.

However, I realize that this pregnancy has brought her closer to me. She isn't out partying, angry, fighting or telling me to mind my own business. She is right next to my side, asking questions . . . endless questions about birth, babies, parenting, standard childrearing practices versus how I have raised my babies, in the attachment parenting style. My daughter, swollen and late in pregnancy, still snuggles in my bed with me. She still calls me Mama, and she still needs to know that I am there and I care for her. Any rebellion that may have been there a year or two ago is gone now, replaced by a responsible young lady, preparing her body and mind for the birth of her own child, her own new beginning.

She told me that she wants to parent her child, the way I have parented her. I find that amazing. I look back to when I first held her, at the tender age of 14. I was so scared, I knew nothing, I had conceived her in such a harsh and ugly manner. I was an only child, with no family nearby. When she came out and into my arms, I had never changed a diaper, never dressed a child. I learned what to do slowly, stumbling my way through the process of parenting. I read every book I could find, I still remember the day the librarian smiled at me and said "sweetie, you have read every childrearing book in the public library system!".

The past few months, I have felt that I failed as a parent. If I had raised her right, she wouldn't be 16 and pregnant. There would be posters of the latest band on her walls, makeup and junk everywhere, not an immaculate room, with a crib, changing table and tiny little clothing ready to go. I would be fighting typical parenting battles about boys and curfew, not giving advice on extended breastfeeding. If I was a good parent, I wouldn't be taking her to register for school tomorrow in the schools nursery, made for teen parents . . . no, I would have had her registered and paid the band and travel fees . . .

All of the whatifs were beginning to wear me down. Then, it really hit me. She is happy, healthy and still in school. She is having a child, but still persevered to make a relationship work with the father. She isn't 14 and recovering from abuse, but 16 and trying to make the best choices.

I could have done worse . . . because she is really pretty amazing. Though I would have argued this before, I think that I am glad little Gabriel is coming. Maybe this was all a good thing, the path she was supposed to take. Maybe its all for a reason. Tonight, I am just glad I have my baby girl, home with me, happy and content, ready to receive her child into loving arms.

Lesson learned . . . big lesson learned.

Kat . . . Jayme and baby Gabriel, 37 weeks today.