My babys having a baby

Monday, September 04, 2006

Tears and Fears

I have formulated a theory lately, and I don't know if I am correct or not, that remains to be seen, however I decided to try a test, and I think it really worked. Lately, Jayme has been a bit more stoic in nature, a bit more serious. I began to wonder if maybe she isn't subconsiously holding something inside. Each time the contractions would start, and really begin to get regular and hurt, she would curl up in a ball and cry, she would say " I just want them to stop now!" Instead of wanting to walk or stretch she would curl up in her bed and hope that her contractions and labor didn't progress.

So, I understand that she isn't due for another 2 weeks, but with everything that has happened, and being dilated to 5 cm, I can't help but wonder if there is more going on inside her mind andif she is holding herself back from giving birth, on a subconscious level. I talked to her a few times about it, asking if she was afraid or had any strong emotions around birth, but she said none that she could think of. So, last night, I got rid of all the kids for the evening so Jayme and I were home alone. I lit some candles, made some herbal tea and just sat down to chat with her awhile. After some simple chatting about birth, I brought out some crayons and paper. I asked her to write the word "BIRTH" on it, and then spend about 10 minutes writing everything that came up for her, whether it made sense or not. I left the room, to give her some quiet time.

Well, when I came back, she was sitting there staring at the paper. I don't want to publicize what she wrote, but I can tell you that she was overcome with emotions, and as we began to talk, so much came out of her. Jayme sat here and bawled her head off as she struggled with feelings of guilt and regret, of fear, not only of the birth and pain but of whether or not she would succeed as a parent. We talked for over 2 hours just about this process and the more we talked, the more she sobbed. Eventually the conversation moved to abuse that she endured a few years ago, and her pain and emotions that she had bottled up inside her from that. I couldn't believe how much she had inside her all cooped up. Afterwards, we were both emotionally exhausted, and she said she felt so much better. She had not ever vocalized or even allowed herself to think of some of those thoughts, because of guilt.She has feelings of anger and resentment about the changes in her life, and felt that somehow the babe would know that and feel unloved. I tried to gently comfort her, and explain that many women have feelings like that at times, and to validate her feelings and let her know that she wasn't alone. It is so normal to have these feelings! I was able to reassure her that even women who are 35 and having a baby have concerns about parenting, and about losing freedom. She feels that she is under so much pressure to "do it right" and she worries about living up to it. I did my best to support her in that, and to let her know that nobody does everything right, its not possible.She also had some strong feelings about natural birth. She doesn't want an epidural yet she is scared that she isn't strong enough to give birth without it. I tried to get to the root of this, to understand why this was so huge in her mind to bring her to tears. She sat with tears streaming down her face saying that she thought it was neat that I have had 4 unmedicated births, and she wants that same thing. We talked about it more, and she finally said she wanted me to be proud of her for doing something good, and for being strong. That about knocked me over, and I told her that birth was just the end part of this 9 month journey. I talked to her about how she has taken care of her body, been active, eaten correctly and learned so much more about her body. Gabriel is a healthy baby because of her actions! I already am so very proud of my baby!! The way he is born unmedicated vs. epidural, C-section vs. vaginal, that isn't what matters. . . that isn't what makes my heart swell with pride, its her, her strength and grace and maturity that she has handled this pregnancy with!!!



So, after we talked for hours, we were exhausted, so we all fell into bed. A few minutes later Jayme was in my door, asking if she could sleep with me. She snuggled up and I played with her tummy, feeling the babe moving around as she slipped off to sleep. Today she felt much better, she wasn't crampy or contracting. I think she is pretty bummed out that she isn't going back to school tomorrow. Because she is so close to delivering, the school will send a tutor to the house to help her with her lessons. She will go back in January, after the winter break. She is excited about doing her schoolwork again and being busy but just bummed about not seeing her friends and not participating in band this term.

On the other hand, we are SOOO excited that Gabriel is now 38 weeks. I find it amazing, a miracle and absolutely exciting! I can't wait to meet him, to hold and smell him, and to watch her with him. Each day that goes by, I find myself thinking more and more about him as a unique little individual. I wonder if he will be a fussy baby, or calm and quiet. Will he be funny or serious? Is he going to have hair?? I am SO curious and excited!!

Tomorrow Jayme has another Dr. Appt. I won't be taking her because I have a meeting to be at so her Gramma is taking her. I hope to have another update soon, maybe with a baby pic attached heheheeh She thinks she will deliver by Sunday, I dunno . . .

Kat Jayme and baby Gabe 38w1d

2 Comments:

  • My Dearest Neices,
    What a most beautiful documentary on the story of my beautiful Great Grand Nephew, Gabriel.
    I am sitting here in Northern Cal. reading this story, and feeling as though I am a part of the process. Thank you for being so gracious and posting your story.
    I love you girls soooo much, and as I read your story, I am moved to tears. There are so many emotions just reading it...Phew! I'd really be bawling if I were there.
    Trina..I am so proud of you and all you have accomplish-ed. Raising a family, working, and now having a grandbady.
    And Jayme...You are so beautiful, so full of life, and a brand new Mommy. Wow!!!
    I send my Love and Prayers for your "whole" family for Peace, Love and Safety.
    May God Bless you and keep you during this wonderful journey.
    All my Love,
    Aunt Jenni and Cousin Carlie

    By Anonymous Aunt Jenni, at 9:39 PM  

  • You are such a good Mom. All the things you and Jayme talked about; all those feelings, and you are both so strong. I've enjoyed reading your journey and Jayme's journey. Gabriel is lucky to have you both.~~Dee

    By Blogger Dee/reddirtramblings, at 5:47 AM  

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