My babys having a baby

Friday, July 13, 2007

What to say now?

I am sure there is something deep I could say right now, something that I should have wise words for, some great story or thought but, even after two weeks, my mind is somewhat numb. . .

My daughter and grandson have moved out. I am still lost not having them here. I miss my grandson jumping on me in the morning, seeing Jayme smile and laugh during the day. Its hard to have the house so empty of the two of them. Granted. . . with four other children my house isn't ever empty but there certainly is a difference without them here.

She is close to getting her own apartment, but that felt like a very big jump for a 17 1/2 year old girl and baby. My mother rents rooms out in her home and a roommate moved out. We all decided it would be a good transition for Jayme and Gabe to move in there, pay rent for a few months, learn to be somewhat self sufficient before she moves onto her own. The theory sounded good. After all, she is really eager to be on her own, she will be 18 in April, and I think as Gabe gets closer to a year old she just really wants "her" space and not to have her mother hovering over all the time.

So, she moved out. And, for all the selfish reasons in the world, its killing me. For those of you who don't know, I had Jayme when I was just 14. There are alot of reasons behind that, but the point is, I have had her next to my side for almost all of my life, at least the part that I remember. Now, shes not here. Its almost as if a part of me has just withered up and went away. I know that seems extreme, and obviously I am not coping so well. I think it will get better in time.

The other huge piece of this for me, is I feel like I have failed her. She isn't even 18 and she is out on her own. That hurts. I have always felt like the only thing I really did right in this life was raising my children. Now, I haven't even done that right. I lay awake at night wondering what I could have done different, what I could have changed or done better. Should I have been more strict? Less strict? Should I allow some of the things she wanted or not done some of the things I did?

I don't know if there are any answers. I just know this is a time in my life that hurts. Nobody seems to understand, and I suppose I don't really expect them too. I have talked to a few people about it and they say "She is almost 18, a mother. . . its to be expected . . . don't worry"

If only. . .