My babys having a baby

Monday, September 25, 2006

Moose Update

I wanted to give an update on the babe and to clarify one more time what is going on with Gabriel. I am getting frantic phone calls from family members misunderstanding and thinking that somehow Gabriel ate spinach and now has E.Coli. According to what his Dr. told me, everybody has E.Coli in their body. For some reason Gabriel's body found a way to "host" the bacteria and it began to grow into an infection. Therefore, he ended up with a kidney infection. Thier guess is that his bladder is backing up into his kidneys and he will eventually outgrow this condition, but will be on long term antibiotics until that happens. He has a test this week to see if that is the case. I know this is confusing, especially with all of the E.Coli stuff in the media right now, but I can assure you that Gabriel wasn't eating spinach . . . no he didn't drink spinach juice either (yes, I was asked that!) So, I added this pic of Gabriel, who looks as confused as everybody else does!!!

Overall though, Gabriel is doing much better. He has lost all of his jaundice color and is a healthy pink color now. He has gained weight and was 9#7oz on Saturday. He did have his first bottle, because Jayme was so exhausted that I sent her home to sleep for awhile. I was worried about her getting sick from stress and exhaustion. Each time she would sleep, somebody would come in to check on Moose. He had his regular dr. another Dr. that our Dr. called in, an infection disease Dr. and a specialist. Suffice it to say he is well taken care of! He seems much happier now, more awake and alert, and even gave his first smile!! He melted all of our hearts.

Jayme is holding up pretty well. She is tired and wants to come home, and really really bored! I try to keep her well stocked with snacks and food, books and she has a TV in the room, but she is bored nonetheless. I have only been able to get her to leave once for some sleep, and a few walks around the hospital for fresh air. She is so worried about her baby though, and doesn't want to leave his side. She also hasn't had many visitors so that further compounds her loneliness and boredom. I am there when I can be but I also have my own kiddos and classes starting, so its not full time. Tony did come up this weekend for the first time since Gabe was admitted Tuesday morning. It was good for him to see his son, and gave Jayme somebody to talk to.

SO, all is going as well as we can hope. Gabriel is having more tests this week but we are thinking he can come home on Friday if all goes well. His mama sure wants to get him home where she can love on him without a big IV in his head :( I want them home so I can stop worrying each time my phone rings. Jayme is supposed to go back to school in 3 weeks, so I am really hoping that she gets some time with him, before she goes back to school. She deserves to be a mommy of a healthy baby for awhile!!

So, I hope that clarifies where we are at this point, I hope I don't get any more frantic phone calls. Gabriel is recovering nicely, coming home soon . . . all looks well!


Thursday, September 21, 2006

A Gabriel Update

This is just a quick update because so many are checking the blog to find out how he is doing. I don't have alot of new information but what I have I will share.

Gabriel has a severe kidney infection caused by a strain of E. Coli. I asked his Dr. today how he could have got E. Coli, especially with it being in the news so much right now, it feels scary to know that is what is attacking his body. However it isn't linked at all to the current cases caused by spinach. I wondered if maybe Jayme got it, and then he got it ? However his Dr. said that it wasn't caught that way. The truth is, nobody is quite sure how he got it. Everybody has some E. Coli in thier body, for some reason Gabriels body "pooled" somewhere, causing the E.Coli to grow. Why?? I have no idea.

They did an ultrasound on Gabriel's kidneys and that came back normal. Sometime next week they are going to do another test that uses something else (Gosh, I wish I could be more specific but its been a long few days) to look closer. They are thinking that perhaps his bladder is backing up into his kidneys.

Best case scenario, Gabriel will come home in another week and stay on long term antibiotics for maybe a year? Possibly longer, maybe a bit less. Worst case scenario would be surgery. I think it is way too early to begin considering all the possible implications and situations that could happen.

So, right now, Jayme is at the hospital round the clock. They are somewhat limiting visitors so that he can rest and recover as well as possible. Jayme has her own room with the baby where they have brought her a bed and she is able to order meals that are delivered to her room. I am trying to help out as much as I can by being there, bringing snacks, and offering support. Now Jayme is getting sick, so I am trying to be there to take care of him so she can sleep. Its a tough time.

Today Gabriel looked a little bit better and seemed more alert. His bilirubin levels have begun to fall so that is good right?? I am trying so hard to stay on the positive side of all of this. My heart is breaking for Jayme, but she is getting alot of support, not only from my family but from the hospital staff also. A social worker came in and visited her yesterday who helped her alot, with figuring out how her life is going, some choices she needs to make and how to best take care of herself and Gabriel. It was very helpful for Jayme to have that time to chat with somebody that wasn't mom :)

So, for now, Moose is stabilized. He has an IV in his head, and has gained 4 ounces, making him 8"11 oz. He is getting showered with new jammies, stuffed animals and books, not that he cares too much! Mama is getting loved too, I brought her new jammies, lots of yummy food from the growers market and a neighbor made them a soft fleece blankie to snuggle with.

If all goes well, they can come home a week from tomorrow . . . please keep up the prayers and well wishes, we are appreciating them,


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Sad and Scary news

This is a short post, Gabriel was sick last night and Jayme called me at work. He was screaming alot and very stiff. He seemed to settle down around 9pm though. About 1am Jayme woke me to tell me he had a temp of 101 and was fussy. I figured we could probably wait until the Dr. office opened at 8am. However at 6am I woke again and had a funny feeling. I went and checked his temp and it was up to 102.4

So, we went strait to ER, little Gabriel had a spinal tap, blood drawn, catheter for urine and an IV put in. At this point they are saying he will be in the hospital at least 7-10 days. Jayme is a sobbing mess, and blaming herself somehow.

At this point it looks like it is a Kidney infection. They are already talking about further tests to see about his kidney functions. He is also very jaundice with high billirubin levels, much higher then they would like to see at 13 days old.

So, we are going to camp out at the hospital. Jayme will be there full time, I will be there as much as she needs. Tony did come up for a bit while Gabriel was in the ER and again a bit later this afternoon, but unfortunatly they ended up in another argument and things went downhill.

I will post more as I see it, right now we are all just very scared and concerned for little Gabriel. I am also very very worried for Jayme as she seems to be shutting down just a bit. This is tough stuff :(


Monday, September 18, 2006

What truly matters . . .

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Today is Gabriel's Due Date

And, here he is, 11 days old and amazing! He is doing fantastic, nursing is still going great. I love to hear his little baby gulping nursing sounds when Jayme is sitting next to me nursing. It is so darn cute. He had a checkup last week and was 8#3oz and 20.5 inches, so he gained back his birth weight plus some.

Jayme of course, is back to her whopping 109 pounds and wearing her size 2 jeans. Grrrrr, oh well, she is looking and feeling fantastic. She has a smile nonstop right now, even when she is exhausted. The newness of him is beginning to wear down, I had to crack up today when she was wiping down the counters and he began to cry. Instead of running to him she said "Ahhh Gabe, your gonna be fine, hang on a moment!" Aha! Motherhood has arrived.

She had some super exhausting nights and I tried to fill in the best that I could with helping her out. Of course Gabriel is only nursing so I couldn't feed him but I did spend a few evenings with him on my chest patting his bottom to keep him asleep another hour. Poor Jayme was so tired that when I went in to check on her and Gabe, she was asleep with her head between her feet. She was SO tired, she just tumbled forward and stayed there! So, that was the night I took Moose, and held him for 5 hours while she slept. She woke up feeling like a new woman!

She starts her tutoring this week, and will return to school full time in about 5 weeks. She had a meltdown when she found out she was going to have to leave Gabriel in the daycare all day. She cried and cried, and thought she wasn't going to be able to breastfeed anymore, and that others wouldn't take as good as care of him as she would. I was soon able to console her though, and with the way the school hours work, and lunchtime, she should be able to nurse him all day after all.

On the Jayme and Tony front, well, that hasn't went so well. Tony is quite upset with me because he feels that I am trying to be Gabriels parent. He has no idea how far from the truth he is. We argued over him paying child support, he wants to just buy the baby stuff when he needs it, and doesn't understand why he has to give money to Jayme. We argued over his attitude towards me in general. I understand he is upset and frustrated but right now, he is being a typical 17 year old, and everything revolves around him. He told Jayme he wants a thank you from her and some appreciation for what he has done, but both Jayme and I tried to figure it out and couldn't come up with much he has done, other then buy the crib and pay less then 130.00 towards Lab bills. I guess it slips his mind that I am paying a 75.00 and a 200.00 a month payment on Gabriels medical costs, not to mention diapers, clothing, blankets, wipes, blah blah blah . . .

I guess for me, I get frustrated having to deal with him. On one hand ,I realize that he is just a kid and hot-headed, but the other part of me wants to knock him around a bit and say WAKE UP! It's not just about you, its about Jayme and the baby too! Jayme was feeling really upset and vulnerable, so she was asking me to not make her be alone with him, which further put me in a tough place. So, here I am driving her to dr. appointments to meet Tony there, and she is begging me to go in with her so she doesn't have to be alone with him. Finally after a few times of this leading to episodes with Tony I told her that from now on, she has to have me take her alone, or else Tony take her alone, but no more all three of us taking Gabriel to an appointment or whatever . . . I reminded her that now she is a parent, and she has to be strong in stating what she needs, whether it is to me, or Tony or whoever. I can't bail her out anymore, she entered into an adult world and has to handle herself as an adult now. I can't keep being the go-between in her and Tony's relationship.

She cried alot, Tony was coming down hard on her saying that it was her and him "against the world" and that she was making bad choices. He began to attack my own relationships (or lack of them, by choice) and condemn me, trying to make a division between Jayme and I. Things got pretty yucky. He finally told her he would stay with her but she "had to move out with him in a few months" She actually laughed at that one. He is working a temporary job making slightly over minimum wage and she isn't even legal to move out, at 16 and most importantly, she doesn't want to move out and live with him. She has stated repeatedly to me (not sure if she said it to him though) that she wants to stay living with me until she is done with high school. She wants to be strong and independant, not just move in with Tony because she has a baby. She is pretty level headed about it, saying "yes, I love him but he is my 17 year old boyfriend . . . " She isn't ready for a lifelong commitment nor is she ready to take the role of a wife. She has college and parenting on the mind.

So, the basic point to all of this is that Jayme told Tony she needed time for herself. He took it surprisingly well, I think maybe he wanted that also. So far he has only been coming over 10-20 minutes a day to see Gabriel, with me trying to stay away so there is no more conflict. Maybe now that they aren't officially a "couple" he will decide to see his child more, and offer more support to her. I sure hope so.

But, if not, we all have more then enough love and strength to get through. My Aunt and Cousin came up from California to meet Gabriel and brought a huge bag of clothing for him! WhooHoo! I go back to school next week, Jayme goes back soon . . . things are going quite well, much better then I would have ever been able to imagine just 9 months ago.

Jayme is a spectacular mommy, and Gabriel is an amazing baby, I guess we are just one lucky family!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Moose Brags

Yes, I am bragging! I am officially one of those horrible grammas that want to show each and every cute shot, when nobody cares. BUT, it makes me happy! Look how alert he is! He is so wide eyed and awake all the time! Last night he slept for 5 hours giving his mama a well deserved rest.

Ok, Day 4 and he loves to lay in his boppy and lift his head up to look around! Look out world, Moose is on the Loose!

Here Moose is meeting Auntie Hannah (5) and Uncle Jacob (3) I guess the blonde head shouldn't surprise me after all!

Jacob is estatic over baby Moose, however, babe seems a bit less thrilled at the manhandling he is receiving from a well intentioned but cumbersome 3 year old uncle!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Gabriel's entry into this world!

I wanted to take some time and put thought into how everything happened for Gabriel's birth. While I have been to several births, this one, of course, was so very different for me. It was by far the most emotional birth I have ever witnessed, even taking me out of it. For so long we have worried about this little guy, and I wanted so much to have him come out, be healthy, be placed on Jayme and begin to nurse. Watching it happen was literally my dreams and hopes come true. It was so amazing to see all my hopes and dreams come true within hours.

Tuesday Jayme had another Dr. Appointment. I had a meeting and my mother hadn't had the chance to hear the baby's heartbeat or attend any checkups with Jayme, so she took her to this appt. I checked in with Jayme a bit later and she said that she was cramping and contracting, but it was no different from any other time. For some reason, I just had a hunch that she would go into labor that day, but with nothing to base it on, I just stayed at my meeting checking my phone often. Jayme sent a few text messages saying that she was angry she was "hurting for no good reason". Around 5:00 my mom called me and said that Jayme was having more contractions and was in her shower because she hurt so bad. Knowing that Jayme is pretty picky about things, and that showering in somebody elses shower wasn't very typical of her, I decided to leave and check on her. When I got there she seemed ok, so we left to pick my other kiddos up at daycare. I noticed that she was having consistent contractions, about every 5-7 minutes, but they seemed like they were spacing out a bit. We came home, ate dinner and were relaxing on the couch afterwards when she had about 6 contractions 3 minutes apart. She said "wow, these are really picking up!" At this point, I was pretty sure this was it, but didn't want to get her excited if it wasn't. I said that we would know soon, and tried to change the conversation. We began cleaning some stuff up, and Jayme took an armful of stuff upstairs. A moment later I hear "OUCH!!!" and a huge bonk noise. I ran to the stairs and she had tripped and fallen down on her knees. I asked if she was ok and she said ya, she didn't hit her belly or anything. I didn't give it much more thought.

About 20 minutes later, around 7:30 I was upstairs when I hear "uh . . . mom . .. . " and Jayme was looking at me holding her pants. Once again they were pretty wet, and she handed them to me. I sniffed them (Can you believe I was standing in the hall smelling my daughters shorts?????? I still feel wierd over that one!) and I said "wow Jayme, that really smells like amniotic fluid. However no more was coming out. I went into this strange place, mentally of thinking "no, this can't be it . . not now, no. . . what do I do . . ." A second later Jayme said MOM!! and I went to the bathroom, where she was covered in fluid. Clearly, this was it! I called my mom and told Jayme to call her Dr. to make arrangements. The Dr. told her that it probably was the baby kicking her bladder and forcing out urine, not her water breaking, so Jayme began to get a bit discouraged until another gush came. I told her to sit on the toilet, if it was her fluid she wouldn't be able to stop it. Bingo!! Water kept dripping out nonstop.

She called Tony and told him to leave work and meet us at my moms house, 2 blocks from the hospital. When we got there Jayme was contracting harder and not a happy girl at all. I was still very much in logic mode "get kids dropped off, diaper bag, labor bag, get to the hospital . . . " so Jayme was leaning on Tony and very serious at this point. Tony was excited and happy saying "were having a baby!"

We left, and went to the hospital where they were getting her room ready. She stayed, once again, in the lobby but this time the contractions were right on top of eachother. I was worried because there was barely a minute between them, and I didn't know how well she would handle that. Soon they got us into the room and Jayme was having a hard time handling things. She was feeling really sick, and vomited all over. I thought after that, things may get a bit better but I was wrong. She didn't have any time at all between contractions. I have seen where a contraction, during transition has double peaks, but never early in labor and never where there were multiple peaks. Jayme was in my arms, I was rocking her side to side and helping her to breathe through the contractions but we couldn't even get to a cleansing breath before the next contraction would come. They brought in a birth ball, and Tony was in front breathing with her while I was in back rubbing her lower back. This did the trick for a little bit, but not long. The midwife wanted to see what the contractions looked like, so she put Jayme into bed on a fetal moniter. I knew right then and there that things were going to get bad :( It is so hard to handle contractions lying on your back, and poor Jayme was no exception. She began to panic, and say she couldn't handle it anymore. She threw up 5 more times, and was shaking severely. I asked the nurse about the contractions because they were a zigzag pattern, no flat spaces between contractions. She said that it happens occasionally, and its hard on moms. No denying that Jayme was clearly struggling. I took her face in my hands and forced her to calm down a bit, I then told her that she could continue for another 20 minutes,(the length of time on the moniter) then try to get up and work through the contractions, or that she could have the epidural. I could see the tears in her eyes and I knew she didn't want to disappoint me, as I have always been an avid proponent of nonmedicated births. Jayme had to know that I was proud of her and supported her either way though, so I did my best to convince her that it was a valid option for her. Finally she whispered "I want the epidural, I want to sit here with you and Tony and be excited for his birth" That was all it took, I hollered for the epidural and Jaymes new best friend was there moments later.

Well, that was only about an hour and a half after we arrived, because it was about 9:30. They checked her just before the epidural and she was still at 5cm, so I thought it was going to be a long night. During the epidural, I had to walk away, so Tony held her through it. I just thought that I may pass out, literally, watching her get an epidural. I can handle alot, but a needle in the spine isn't my idea of a good time. That is my baby they are poking on, and it wasn't fun :(

So, Jayme had the epidural but it didn't bring much relief. At that point she was even worse off because she couldn't get out of bed, move or do much of anything. Tony and I took turns about 2 inches from her face breathing with her. She moaned, groaned and was so serious. I kept holding her and telling her how good she was doing, and how she was working harder then she ever had in her life. The contractions were still one after another and it broke my heart. I can't imagine not having those few precious minutes between contractions to regain my thoughts and focus. At about 10:30 they were a bit concerned about the contractions so they checked her again, she was 9 with a lip!!!! She went from 5-9 in an hour, no wonder she was having such a hard time. At that point, they gave her another bolus in her epidural and she felt nothing at all . . . and things went downhill. Jayme was so tired and exhausted, and to be honest I think she was so disappointed in how things had worked out, that she faded out, mentally and emotionally. She wouldn't look at anybody, she wouldn't talk. I tried to talk to her and she said "please, just leave me alone"

I felt helpless, I wanted to help, but what could I do? I knew this baby was so close to coming out, yet Jayme wasn't in the right space to welcome her baby. Tony seemed unsure what to do, so he went to the lobby to update his mom and sister. A couple of hours went by, with Jayme dozing and really withdrawing into herself. Finally, I went next to her side, and I whispered to her "Jayme, this is your birth, you need to own your birth, you need to welcome you baby, you need to be involved, he is coming! He wants to meet you!" I just kept talking to her about how amazing she is, how excited we are and how close he is to coming. I could see her perking up, and coming around. I think she was just exhausted from the intensity of everything. Also, it seemed very unreal to her because it happened so fast. There was no time to build up to contractions, they just went off with a bang! As I continued to talk to her, I picked up the tiny hat and diaper they had waiting for her. I showed her the bed they had brought in for him, and the warmer. All of a sudden, she got tears in her eyes, and the reality of her impending birth hit, she was ready!!! She was radiant and more beautiful then I have ever seen her, I swear she was glowing so brightly that you could have turned the lights out in the room and still seen everything. It was amazing and the transformation was apparent to everybody.

The nurse called the midwife back in, Tony came and my mom came in to help out also. This picture shows Jayme and Tony when they told her that she could begin pushing her baby out. She was so happy and excited she couldn't contain it anymore! Tony was giddy with excitement.

At 12:45 Jayme began to push. Tony was on one side holding her leg and counting, I was holding the other leg. My mom was next to Tony and his sister and mother were at the head of the bed. This was their first birth, as Tonys sister Bev had a C/S. All of us were counting and cheering and telling Jayme how awesome and amazing she was. She was glowing and smiling and so thrilled to be pushing and involved finally in her birth. I watched my baby working so hard to birth her child and could feel the tears slipping down my cheeks. I knew I would be there but the emotions were more then I could handle. She is so amazing!

Soon, we could see a tuft of hair and it was BLONDE!!! Wow! I was so sure he would have dark hair since Jayme had dark hair, and Tony is Italian, I just assumed the baby would be darker, boy was I wrong! Jayme kept pushing, now we could see the whole top of his head. The more we could see the more we cheered! The more Jayme would glow and get excited. All of a sudden . . . there was a tiny face, looking at me. I saw his face before anybody else did, he was so vibrant! So Alive! My grandson was born with his eyes open looking at me! Jayme was staring at him in shock, his birth was so slow, even his shoulders and body because he was so large, there was alot of tugging and pulling to get him out. Everybody was shouting and crying and blubbering everywhere!

And then, he was out!!!!!

Look! At the joy on Jayme's face! That is one Happy mommy! Tony was sobbing unlike anybody I have ever seen. He was literally shaking and sobbing and saying "hes beautiful!! He looks like his mommy! Hes beautiful!!!!

Look at Tonys face! My mom is peeking over his shoulder, his sister is covering her mouth. Everybody was sobbing, even the nurse! Tony was so excited and shaking so hard that he dropped the scissors he was holding to cut the cord. The midwife said "Dad, do you want to cut the cord and he was so cute, he whimpered "oh gosh! I dropped them!!!" That gave a torrent of laughter to the room. This birth had more life and laughter then any birth I have attended in my life.

Gabriel was BORN!! 1:17am he arrived, screaming, eyes open ready to take on life. That tiny little heartbeat, that I fell in love with so many months ago, is a whopping 8 pound ball full of life. I never knew how much I would love him, I was unprepared for my heart to soar the way it did. I thought, that it just couldn't get better then that moment . . .but I was wrong.

Just a bit later, after everybody but Tony and I left. Jayme nursed her baby for the first time. I was able to help my grandson latch on to his mama for the first time. What an honor to be able to guide her through those first few steps, to help her line him up, belly to belly, to watch life begin, the connection between my baby . . . and her baby . . . to begin. As much as I loved the birth, watching my daughter nurse my grandson was the highlight of my life. I don't know if I will ever have that honor again, but I did this time, and it was powerful and amazing. Gabriel opened wide and latched right on, Jaymes eyes widened and she welled up in tears, she said "oh! This is so good!" Gabriel and Jayme are a nursing match made in heaven. God, I thank God for this experience, and this baby, and my daughter and the whole experience. It has humbled me, and I can't be grateful enough.

Later, Jayme fell asleep and Tony went home for a few hours rest. I stayed to help Jayme and support her. I was pretty unneeded though, Happily Jayme and Gabriel curled up together and slept . . . and nursed . . . all night long. Other then a supply of water and endless kisses, they were quite well together.

A few more pics, while Jayme was sleeping Gabriel got his first bath. Here he is showing off his chunky beefy size.

And here is my baby, greeting her baby after his bath, he was wide awake staring at her, she was estatic with a nonstop smile, bonding with her baby. Thank God for both of these people in my lives. I have been given a gift that I never even realized, until this night watching the two of them start their lives together.

A couple more Gabriel Pics

I just wanted to share a few more photos that I like when sorting through the 3,496 pictures I have taken so far. I have more but I want to add them when I do her birth story later this evening. I think they are coming home today!!! I am busy baking banana bread, washing bassinett sheets and little other things we forgot about. I am SO excited!!!!

Jayme's face when they told her she could push and her baby was RIGHT THERE!! She was so excited it was amazing! (ignore the date, I couldn't figure out that part of the camera and wasn't gonna waste time trying to!)

!!! I am a Gramma!!!

Look at Gabriel showing off his muscles!! He looks like a little meathead (and I do mean that in a very loving way!)

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Gabriel's Debut

I am still in shock, still awestruck, still knocked out by the emotions of watching my baby have her baby. This birth was such an emotional one that even the nurse said "You guys made me cry at your birth . . . and I gave that up years ago!"

Gabriel was welcomed into the world early this morning at 1:17 am weighing a whopping 8 pounds 2 ounces (out of my 124 pound daughter!!!!) and is 20 inches long. He is absolutely beautiful, with a small amount of blonde hair. I can't even gather the words to say what I am feeling at this moment. Jayme made me proud, she has worked so hard, and this is such a beautiful reward. Gabriel couldn't be better. I will post her birth story when I can wrap my mind around it a bit more, but right now it feels very sacred, and I want to process through some of it more. Gabriel coming was very much a team effort though, with Tony Jayme and I working together . . . and it worked! He is here and Gorgeous!!! He is very alert, quite cranky and wants to nurse all the time, I am thrilled. I can't imagine being any happier with the outcome then I am at this very moment in my life . . . Thank you for everybody who supported Jayme and I through this time, it means the world to me!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Tears and Fears

I have formulated a theory lately, and I don't know if I am correct or not, that remains to be seen, however I decided to try a test, and I think it really worked. Lately, Jayme has been a bit more stoic in nature, a bit more serious. I began to wonder if maybe she isn't subconsiously holding something inside. Each time the contractions would start, and really begin to get regular and hurt, she would curl up in a ball and cry, she would say " I just want them to stop now!" Instead of wanting to walk or stretch she would curl up in her bed and hope that her contractions and labor didn't progress.

So, I understand that she isn't due for another 2 weeks, but with everything that has happened, and being dilated to 5 cm, I can't help but wonder if there is more going on inside her mind andif she is holding herself back from giving birth, on a subconscious level. I talked to her a few times about it, asking if she was afraid or had any strong emotions around birth, but she said none that she could think of. So, last night, I got rid of all the kids for the evening so Jayme and I were home alone. I lit some candles, made some herbal tea and just sat down to chat with her awhile. After some simple chatting about birth, I brought out some crayons and paper. I asked her to write the word "BIRTH" on it, and then spend about 10 minutes writing everything that came up for her, whether it made sense or not. I left the room, to give her some quiet time.

Well, when I came back, she was sitting there staring at the paper. I don't want to publicize what she wrote, but I can tell you that she was overcome with emotions, and as we began to talk, so much came out of her. Jayme sat here and bawled her head off as she struggled with feelings of guilt and regret, of fear, not only of the birth and pain but of whether or not she would succeed as a parent. We talked for over 2 hours just about this process and the more we talked, the more she sobbed. Eventually the conversation moved to abuse that she endured a few years ago, and her pain and emotions that she had bottled up inside her from that. I couldn't believe how much she had inside her all cooped up. Afterwards, we were both emotionally exhausted, and she said she felt so much better. She had not ever vocalized or even allowed herself to think of some of those thoughts, because of guilt.She has feelings of anger and resentment about the changes in her life, and felt that somehow the babe would know that and feel unloved. I tried to gently comfort her, and explain that many women have feelings like that at times, and to validate her feelings and let her know that she wasn't alone. It is so normal to have these feelings! I was able to reassure her that even women who are 35 and having a baby have concerns about parenting, and about losing freedom. She feels that she is under so much pressure to "do it right" and she worries about living up to it. I did my best to support her in that, and to let her know that nobody does everything right, its not possible.She also had some strong feelings about natural birth. She doesn't want an epidural yet she is scared that she isn't strong enough to give birth without it. I tried to get to the root of this, to understand why this was so huge in her mind to bring her to tears. She sat with tears streaming down her face saying that she thought it was neat that I have had 4 unmedicated births, and she wants that same thing. We talked about it more, and she finally said she wanted me to be proud of her for doing something good, and for being strong. That about knocked me over, and I told her that birth was just the end part of this 9 month journey. I talked to her about how she has taken care of her body, been active, eaten correctly and learned so much more about her body. Gabriel is a healthy baby because of her actions! I already am so very proud of my baby!! The way he is born unmedicated vs. epidural, C-section vs. vaginal, that isn't what matters. . . that isn't what makes my heart swell with pride, its her, her strength and grace and maturity that she has handled this pregnancy with!!!

So, after we talked for hours, we were exhausted, so we all fell into bed. A few minutes later Jayme was in my door, asking if she could sleep with me. She snuggled up and I played with her tummy, feeling the babe moving around as she slipped off to sleep. Today she felt much better, she wasn't crampy or contracting. I think she is pretty bummed out that she isn't going back to school tomorrow. Because she is so close to delivering, the school will send a tutor to the house to help her with her lessons. She will go back in January, after the winter break. She is excited about doing her schoolwork again and being busy but just bummed about not seeing her friends and not participating in band this term.

On the other hand, we are SOOO excited that Gabriel is now 38 weeks. I find it amazing, a miracle and absolutely exciting! I can't wait to meet him, to hold and smell him, and to watch her with him. Each day that goes by, I find myself thinking more and more about him as a unique little individual. I wonder if he will be a fussy baby, or calm and quiet. Will he be funny or serious? Is he going to have hair?? I am SO curious and excited!!

Tomorrow Jayme has another Dr. Appt. I won't be taking her because I have a meeting to be at so her Gramma is taking her. I hope to have another update soon, maybe with a baby pic attached heheheeh She thinks she will deliver by Sunday, I dunno . . .

Kat Jayme and baby Gabe 38w1d

Friday, September 01, 2006

Craziest week ever . . .

This week needs to go down in history as the craziest week in Jaymes pregnancy, maybe in any of my own pregnancies. I don't know if it was the moon, or Jayme, or me or what, but it has been nuts.

Monday, Jayme had a 37 week Dr. Appt. She was seeing a new Dr. since her midwife has moved out of the country. He talked with her, and was concerned that the baby was still measuring 34 weeks, the same for the last 3 weeks. He brought in an ultrasound and checked her, then said that there didn't appear to be enough fluid around the baby. He said he would like her to go into labor soon, and asked if he could strip her membranes. He confirmed that she was still 4-5 cm dilated, stripper her membranes (which hurt her bad!) and then sent us for another ultrasound. He said that if this ultrasound confirmed what he was seeing, that he would admit her, break her water and have the baby be born. So, off we went to the next u/s, I called in to work, Jayme was contracting like crazy, hard painful contractions. Enough that she would stop, grab my arm and just get very quiet. Finally, we get to the office, have the next U/S and they confirm that there is indeed, a small amount of fluid. We were told to go home, pack up our bags and get ready to go to Labor and Deliver. So . . . we did. We waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . Finally around 7pm, we get a call that the fluid level is borderline, and she would probably deliver in the next day or so anyway, so just to stay put and wait.

So, we did! Jayme was a bit disappointed but it wasn't that big of a deal. We were super tired anyway, so we went to bed. Tuesday morning Jayme was pretty crampy, and contractions started up. By Tuesday evening, they were slowing down again, when she looked at me, strait faced and said "I'm peeing my pants!" There was so much fluid it was through her pants, soaked into the couch. Ten minutes later, another big gush of fluid. It was completely clear, no smell, nothing. However, it was about 9 at night, and we were exhausted, so I told her we should get some sleep, and when and if contractions picked up, we would go from there. Great plan right?? Well, no contractions . . . and no more fluid.

So, Wednesday I figured it probably wasn't her water breaking (not sure what it was??) and went to work. Around noon, she calls and says she is super hot. She is achy and has a headache. She and I chat and I realize she is running a fever!! So, of course I start to wonder if it was her water . . . now a fever . . . ?? I ask her to call her Dr. and chat with them about it. They decide they want her to go to Labor & Deliver and be checked out. I already knew where this would go, but either way, I went ahead and took her in, had her hooked up to the machines, took her temp, checked for amniotic fluid and decided there was none. . . but! She was having some seriously huge contractions, and LONG! They were every 4-10 minutes and 60-90 seconds long, according to the machine. However, she couldn't feel any of them . . . none. She had no clue she was contracting. After about 3 hours, they decided since they weren't changing anything, she could go home.

So, we get to yesterday, Thursday. She wakes up and can barely walk her back is hurting so badly. She begins contracting, but I head off to work. I called her at 11:30 and she said she had been contracting since 9, pretty regularly, but they weren't hurting much. I went to lunch and then came home about 2:00. By that time, she said that they were very regular, and beginning to hurt more, but weren't severe. I decided to take my other daughter to WalMart for school supplies. An hour or so later, I called Jayme, she sounded breathless, and said her back was hurting super bad. I was going to come home, but she said no . . . I think I am ok, and I don't want to jump the gun. I agreed, but told her to call if she needed me. 30 minutes later she called and said "you need to come home now!" I raced home, and by the time I got there she was squatting and moaning through contractions. They were every 3 minutes and she was looking unlike I have ever seen her before. I was sure this was it. Now . . . if she had been dilated to 2, I would have given it some time but since she was at 5 . . . I panicked!! I had her call her Dr. and she couldn't even get through the call without contractions. They sent her to L&D again!!

So, we walk in, she can barely walk, and is bending over every 3 minutes moaning and kinda rolling her waist in circles. They tell us that no beds are available, so can she please wait in the waiting room?? She is leaning over the chair moaning through contractions so they come get us and take us to the Drs. Lounge, lay a blanket over the couch and hook her up to a machine there. Jayme panics and says "Do I have to deliver my baby in here????" They assure her that no, she is just there until a room comes open. She is freaking out over the noises in there, and hates it. She is hurting and doesn't want to lay down. I am trying to comfort her, when the nurse comes in and says a room is available. They take her in, hook her up, and the contractions begin to slow down to every 5-6 minutes. 2 hours of lying in the bed and they are spacing to every 7 minutes. They check her cervix . . . she is still . . . at 5! They tell her since she is 37w4d and not 3 days more, making her 38 weeks, that they can't do anything to help her along. They decide to give her a shot of morphine, some ambien, and send her home. She was in tears, sad, in pain, hurting and so discouraged.

At this point, I don't know how to help her, other then keep her mind off of it. I wish all of the contractions could go away for a few days, just to let her have some peace. I want to say or do something to make it all better, and I can't. As a mom, I want to help, but this is out of my hands.

38 weeks Sunday, wowsa, never thought we would have a September baby!!

Its off for a day at the lake tomorrow, maybe that will kick her in gear :)